Dear Jack,

You're 46 months now. I think today was a perfect example of most days lately. You woke up grouchy, but not so hard to please. We went to the Y, and you had a lot of fun playing in the gym. Then, as we were leaving, you remembered that last summer when you were at the Y with me several times a week, you always had a snack. Not today.

Cue the Chernobylesque meltdown.

We had a good run with no major meltdowns, and I got too comfortable. You've been breaking down most days lately, at some point or another just FREAKING out about some little thing. Normally the meltdown is preceded by my telling you "no." That's the common thread here. I can tell it's hard being you right now. You have even personified your anger, telling me that "It won't let me take a deep breath!" I can literally see (and hear, my GOD) your struggle to accept that you aren't in control of everything, and yet, I expect you to be in control of yourself. I know it's a lot to ask of a kid riding these crazy emotional waves, and yet, this is life. I've written it here before, and I repeat to remind myself, too. It's my job to help you understand how to live in the world and how your actions affect other people. To remain calm at all times during this process might even be a disservice to you. People don't generally respond well when you scream at them. Life lesson!

Later this morning you continued your meltdown at art school. I'd had enough and I drew a line in the sand. We left as you screamed and you kept screaming as we drove home. I didn't think we could redeem the day. I didn't know if I had it in me. Then, the other Jack finally woke up. What a relief. You played well with Henry while the mommies talked and worked inside. You shared. You took turns. You did everything I was certain you wouldn't do today. You got control of yourself. Amazing. The rest of the day was great. We snuggled after books and you told me I was the "goodest girl." Ah!

To experience your successes in growing into yourself is a unique gift to me. It's not always pretty, and it can be downright ugly at times, but on the other side of each of these mountains is a beautiful valley. Before we start climbing again, we get to have a lot of fun. I love your kind spirit and your silliness. I wish for shorter, less frequent freakouts. I know that time is coming. I was mowing the lawn this evening and you and daddy embarked on a bike ride. I looked up and you had stopped to look back at me. You wouldn't go on until I had waved at you.

You told me recently that you loved me even when I was mad at you.

Back at ya, kid.

Mama

p.s.
Hey! We went to Washington D.C. and New York! I assume you won't remember all these awesome firsts, but I am glad Daddy and I got to experience this stuff with you. You are a fantastic car traveler!