Dear Jack,

Today you are 37 months old. This month you've been as active and entertaining as ever, but you've started this frustrating thing where you have intense meltdowns most afternoons. You picked up napping again, but only if you fall asleep in the car. We were in the car so much when we were displaced from our house that I started expecting you to sleep. I KNOW you still need it, but it's just not going to happen most days. The meltdowns come without any real pattern, except that they start in the afternoon, the time you might be sleeping if you were an easier kid. From what I've observed, you get progressively more upset as things don't happen exactly the way you've imagined them. To the extent that you will scream mercilessly if I wasn't standing in the right place when I asked you a question. Through tears you insist that I go back to whatever place it was and ask the question again. Conceding to these dictatorial demands doesn't really please you. My job is to make sure that you realize in life you usually can't have things the way you imagine them. Even great things often look a little different than the way we first dreamed them up.

I hope this, like your other frustrating phases, is short-lived. I hope that I can keep my cool navigating this time. It's not easy to remain calm when you're screaming about nonsensical, irrational things. It's my task, and I'm trying my hardest. Luckily for everyone else, you seem to save these freak outs for Mama. I know that means you trust me to love you despite, and of course I always will. But please, ease up kid.

Toward the end of one of these episodes in the car, you were saying "Stop! Stop! Stop!" I asked you what you meant, and you told me that you were telling your tears to stop coming. It seems that even you realize your emotions are out of control.

You've been saying these cute things: "Sure can!" and "Sure do!" in response to questions from us. This morning on our way to an inflatable playhouse to escape the rain, you told me, "Mama, I have three fun places: Pump it Up, Monkey Joes, and SquigglyBugs. That's it." You shrugged your shoulders as if you were disappointing me. I mentioned some other fun places, like the library or the playground and you said, "I guess." Lately you've been "thinking" with your finger pointed to your chin, saying things like, "Hmmmm..." and "Let's see..." It's pretty darn cute.

When we went for your 3 year-old well check, you charmed the doctor. I never know which kid will show up, but you brought it all that day. You told her the colors of her shirt and yours, counted, said your ABCs. When you got to the letter "P," you hesitated. She was going to help you and you said "O" again. She said "Q" and you stated matter of factly that you were "just going backwards for a minute."

You love to play with the leftovers from your birthday party, so daily we play "capes and mask-ses." You're still obsessed with superheroes and I'm starting to regret that you know what they are. Still, you seem concerned with the difference between good and evil and I hope we can keep you on the right side forever.

We've applied to a Montessori school in town. I assume and hope you'll be accepted for their three-day program. I'm excited about your going to school. I need a break to get some of myself back, and I know you'll thrive. I appreciate so much about the way Montessori schools treat the individual. I'm excited about the learning opportunities you'll have away from home. You'll learn how to be in a community. I'll learn how to get organized so we can get there on time and in clean clothes.

I love you through your manic bouts and all the way to the other side, when you're snuggling up to me and telling me that you like me AND love me. I wouldn't trade you.

Love,

Mama