Dear Jack,

Today you are 17 months old. I'm going to go a little off-script this month, but before I do, here are some highlights from the last month:

Your first sentence? "Not done."
You are 34" tall - almost a yardstick.
You can jump with two feet and you attempt to skip.
With you dressed as the cutest Charlie Chaplin ever, we won the costume contest at the library.
You have started to tickle me, saying "tickatickaticka" while you do.
You say "Ooooohhhh Noooooooooooo" and it's adorable.
I can translate some of your dialect now. "Duh-Tuh" is firetruck.
All four of your first molars have crested through and your canine teeth are sometimes swollen looking.
You make a new friend every time we go to the park.

There is something I want to tell you now, about me. I don't know when you'll read these letters, but I hope one day you will. I don't feel like I am painting an overly-rosy portait of life as a first-time mom on this blog, but I struggle more than these letters probably portray. I don't know how my health will be as you grow. More and more these days, I feel anger and sadness about my disease. I have chosen to shoulder most of the load of your care and your growth. I don't regret it. And I don't want to regret it. Here is the truth: I don't know how to take care of myself. I know how to take care of other people and I am happy when I have the opportunity to do so. That's why, in so many ways, being your mom is the ultimate fulfillment for me. But it's been easy to fall into denial about my health, to accept a status quo of tired-as-normal. If it were that simple, my denial could last. But it's not. It won't always be.

I want you to take a lesson from me now, because I don't know if the mom you know later in life will tell you this: help other people as much as you can, but accept help. Learn how to love yourself the way you love other people. Be grateful for the blessing of your strong, beautiful body, but protect it and treat it well. Your mom is trying to learn these things a little late and the stakes are high.

If parents want better for their kids, this is my quest for you. Learn from me. I am learning to love myself even if I can't always do the things I want to do. If I can't be everything. I am learning to believe people love me regardless of what I do, for who I am.

I hope that in my learning, I can show you that my love for you is truly unconditional.


Mama