Dear Jack,

Today you are one. year. old. This time last year I was pushing with all my might through a cloud of fear and fatigue. To say that your birth was difficult doesn't encompass the experience. After 40 hours of labor, you were delivered through an incision in my abdomen as I shook behind a blue curtain. Normally, I'd be thankful for the blurry recollection of a painful time, but I'm still grieving the loss of those first precious moments with you. While I've celebrated your birth today, I admit that loss has been on my mind.

My dear son, walking forward while looking back can be foolish. I've tried hard to turn my head, and lately I have begun to feel that one day I will be at peace with the way you came into this world. There's a glimmer. It helps that you keep my focus. You're not that tiny baby anymore, and I'm not that exhausted, wounded new mama.

In your twelfth month, you really got the hang of walking. You're still top heavy, and lose your balance all the time. Lately, though, you've learned to catch and correct yourself. You pivot, turn, and back up. You push up on your own and have mostly given up crawling. I watched you today, watching some older girls chase each other at top speed. It was so clear that you wanted to do what they were doing. I loved to see that look of wonder, but I said a small prayer of thanks that you aren't running. Yet.

All your charm, charisma, and humor has exploded. You truly are such a fun kid. Your strong will means you can be frustratingly stubborn, and hard to distract. Angry when I get in the way of what you want. You've started yelling "DOP!" But you have a switch you can flip in an instant and all of a sudden you're this delightful clown, hamming it up for whatever audience you face. I've called you mercurial several times in the last few weeks. I suppose I could have predicted this with your "criling" when you were just a wee one. I know that this will of yours may continue to frustrate me, but I also know that it will serve you well in life. Especially if you can set it aside long enough to make someone smile.

No surprise here, but you're more and more beautiful each day. Your hair is lightening up as we spend time outside, and despite the sunscreen I religiously apply, your arms and legs are bronzing. I was all but ready to cut your hair last week, but now I think I'll wait. It's long and wispy and often Doc-Brown-crazy, but in some way it suits you. Your grin is quite toothy now. You've got all four teeth across the top (in varying stages of growth) and the two front teeth on the bottom. One of your favorite things to do is brush your teeth! We do this together each night. You wiggle the toothbrush up and down like I do. We got your first pair of real shoes last month, 6 1/2 extra wide. Big foot!

The evolution of your dance is truly a sight. I am still working on capturing it on video. When you hear any regular beat, you starting dropping your knees and bouncing. After about ten bounces, you quickly flap your hands up and down. It's very controlled now, and you keep a serious face until we applaud, when you burst into a smile. It seems like it never gets old to you, and it really never gets old for your dad and me. Today a local news crew came to our cloth diaper meeting, and your dance moves made it on camera! I may have to call the station and ask for a copy.

At one year, you're a big, beautiful, strong, determined boy. I am so excited about what is in store for you. As I wrote you letters before you were born, I imagined great things for you, but I couldn't imagine anything like what I see now that I know you. I am so proud of all that you are. You are precious, and you are mine.

With all the love I can give on your first birthday,

Mama